A Day Like Today, November 16, 2006

I wrote this as a comment on another blog, but I wanted to share it here as well. However, I am going to expand on it a bit. After all, this is the very best place for me to keep track of my own feelings and emotions!

Being a mother is the only thing I ever dreamed of as a child. It is the only thing I ever aspired to be. I’ve never had a greater ambition than that of motherhood. Being here now, with 5 young children (6 and under) and hoping for another soon, I find that motherhood is so much better than I ever thought it would be! Truly, my REAL name is MOMMY!

I often feel that I unintentionally make our life seem “perfect” when I write about it on my blog. Of course, life is never perfect. But it is always beautiful! It is always beautiful and it is always, always worth it! I wrote the following in my journal several years ago and thought I would share it here as well. My children, at the time, were ages 4, 3, 2, and almost 6 months. I think this journal entry shows how life as a mother, while not always easy, is always beautiful, always worth it, and always filled with joy!

November 16, 2006

Do you ever have a day when you walk around all day thinking the baby smells like spit up only to realize sometime in the afternoon that it was actually you that smelled like spit up all along? A day when the kitchen floor and two of the children are soaking wet because they have finally figured out how to reach the faucet themselves? A day when the diapers pile higher and higher at the top of the stairs because you don’t have time to throw them out? A day when the baby won’t sleep and the “big” kids are into everything? A day when the laundry grows so quickly you think it must somehow reproduce on it’s own? When the house needs to be cleaned but instead it just gets messier? When there is an endless list of things to do and- like the laundry and the diaper pile- the list just keeps on growing?

Do you ever have a day, when in the midst of all the chaos, you find yourself smiling anyway? Do you ever have a day when that sticky, boogery, smiling little face is so cute you can’t seem to look away? Do you ever have a day when you look around at the endless clutter and chaos, and know without a doubt that there is no place in the world where you’d rather be? When you get tears in your eyes because you know someday the floor won’t always be wet and there won’t be any more diapers to change?   Do you ever have a day when you sing with the kids a little louder, dance a little longer, and let the floor get just a little wetter? A day when you put off the laundry and the dishes and the cleaning, just to play and snuggle instead? And as you play and snuggle, the feelings of love and gratitude you feel are so big in intense that you can hardly understand them? Do you ever have a day when the mess seems bigger than ever, but the joy is sweeter than ever too?

Do you ever have a day like I’ve had today??

Today

Asher got up at 1am to nurse and again at 5am. When my alarm clock went off at 6:30, I turned it off. I didn’t even hit the snooze button, I just turned it completely off. I am still battling a cold and I feel the worst in the morning. I thought, as I switched off my alarm, that I had ruined the entire day by doing so. But my head was so painfully stuffed and my throat was so terribly sore, that I really didn’t care.

Asher woke up again to nurse at 8am. The house was still quiet, with everyone else sleeping. I snuggled my baby close and enjoyed our time together. When he was full, I took my vitamins, got dressed, and woke the other kids. The kids did their morning jobs (say prayers, make beds, get dressed, brush teeth, tidy) while I made breakfast. Then while I ate breakfast, I took the time to study my scriptures.

We started homeschool a little late, but it wasn’t too bad. Our schedule went wonderfully. We began with a prayer and the Pledge of Allegiance, followed by memorization and a hymn practice. We did all of our usual lessons, though I’ve modified our schedule this semester. We did reading and math first. Each of the kids are doing so well. Joshua and Brenna continue to excel, and Maddie is really doing well with beginning reading, writing, and addition. She is doing with both phonics (which I emphasize more) and also many sight words. She is writing well enough to write independently and her addition is coming along nicely. It is so fun to see all that! My little Braden continues to surprise me. He can count up to 10 on his own, and he can count up to 5 objects correctly at a 1:1 ratio. He knows many of his letter sounds and knows several of Madalyn’s sight words.

We skipped writing and spelling today because I am waiting for new materials to arrive in the mail. We did do grammar for Brenna and Joshua. And we did music lessons and Latin for everyone. The older kids had 30 minutes of silent reading.

Then we took a break for lunch and “recess.” When the weather is nice we have recess outside. If the weather is cold or the kids don’t feel like going outside, we have free time inside instead. Today we had free time. Afterwards we had our One Hour Cleaning. The kids worked on bedrooms and dishes, while I folded laundry, dusted, and vacuumed.

At 2:15pm we woke Rick (at his request) so that he could participate in our afternoon science project. We had lots of fun with it, learning about the way heat and cold change the air. We used balloons at room temperature, in the freezer, and warmed with a blow dryer. We also put a balloon on top of a jar of water, boiled the water inside the jar, and watched as the balloon filled with air. The kids were delighted. We recorded everything and took pictures. It was great fun for all of us.

I gave the kids a quick snack and then Brenna and I left for choir practice. I talked with Elaine on the way there, while I waited for Brenna during the practice, and on the way home as well. (Thanks for the chat, Elaine!) Brenna and I also stopped at the grocery store to grab some Progresso Creamy Mushroom soup. (Woo hoo, it’s GF!)

We ate dinner, cleaned up, and had family scripture study and prayer. I always love those cozy, spritual moments as a family. We let the kids have more free time before bed, and I took a bath and read a magazine. We put the kids to bed at 8:30pm, except for the little boys, who both went to bed an hour earlier. Then I relaxed, ate extra snacks because I am starving lately, watched TLC, and updated my blog.

Today, I was able to sneak in some time to email the ladies in my FHE enrichment group (which I was asked to lead). The kids were helpful and cheerful. We’ve been encouraging service and personal spirituality lately. I caught each of the older children doing secret acts of service for each other, and they all (without being told to) took time to study their scriptures on their own. Madalyn looked through a picture book of scripture stories, and both Brenna and Joshua read independently from the Book of Mormon. They have each set the goal to read the entire Book of Mormon on their own this year, and are doing well so far.

 It has been a great day. So much for my dire predictions when I turned my alarm clock off and slept late. Maybe I should turn my alarm off more often.

A Yucky Cold

We arrived home from our trip last night and I immediately got to work unpacking, washing clothes, and tucking suitcases away in the closet. By bedtime, you’d never know that we’d left because everything was put away again. The kids had had several very, very, very late nights with their cousins while we were gone and they’d all slept on the 3 hour ride home, so I decided that it was rather pointless to mandate an early bedtime. Instead, I snuggled them into cozy pajamas and warm blankets and put on a new movie.

Then I made a long, 12-item To Do List for today, which included things like ”get up at 7am” and “scour the entire house” and “prepare for the FHE group I’m hosting”  and “clean out extra room” and “finish homeschool projects” (I didn’t bother with school while we were on vacation, but was planning to start again on Thursday) and so on. It was a long list and each item would require some time. I knew I’d be pressed to get everything finished in one day. But I decided to give it a try.

Asher woke me at 4am. The sweet little guy has not been sleeping well lately. As I sat up, I was accutely aware of throbbing sinus pain, a completely stuffed nose, and a throat so sore I felt like I’d swallowed glass. In other words, I’d managed to catch Rick’s horrible cold. The very one that I promised myself I WOULD NOT GET. Ah, bummer.

Asher had a rough time sleeping from the on, so I was up with him until the rest of the kids woke up at 8am. I hadn’t slept more than a few hours each night during the four days we were gone, and I was up early with a grouchy baby, and I didn’t feel good. I’ve decided that it is really unfair that daddy’s can take a day off of work when they are sick, but mommies must carry on without a break while under the weight of the same illness. My entire PLAN has been completely derailed by this cold (because so far, it’s a doozy!) I doubt much of my To Do List will be accomplished today, which will throw off our schedule for the rest of the week.

Oh well. The days pass so quickly anyway, I suppose I should just be grateful for this chance to snuggle my kids close and do nothing, all day, TOGETHER.

Singing Time, The Second Article of Faith

Today I taught Singing Time in Primary. I was recently called to be the Primary Chorister. Up until today, I’ve had lots of help from the other chorister, but today I was completely on my own. Yikes! I’d worked so, so hard to prepare. I prayed for guidance, I wrote out a “lesson plan” and I made visual aids for the kids. I practiced with my three older kids to see how long it would take. And I worked hard to learn how to lead the opening song.

Leading went “okay.” For some reason, I just have a hard time leading music. Rick teases me that I can do so many complex things all at once, but I can’t sing and wave my arm at the same time. I was able to get through the opening song though. And I don’t think I looked too ridiculous either.

Teaching Singing Time went much, much better though! I was a little nervous at first, but I felt comfortable as soon as I started. I was able to keep the kids’ attention and we had a good balance of spirituality and fun. The kids learned the song easily, and they understood the meaning of the song as well, which is so important. I think it went really well! Honestly, I had a great time doing it too. I love kids and I love teaching and it really was quite fun. I got lots of compliments afterwards, and a few people mentioned that I was a great person for this calling. I feel SO completely inadequate for a calling like this, so it was nice to think that maybe I can bring something valuable to this calling and do it well. I will be out of town next week (so I got a substitute) and the week after that we have a combined  class for the adults and the Relief Society Presidency will take care of Singing Time and Sharing Time. In February I will be teaching again, working on the Third Article of Faith and How Firm a Foundation. I am looking forward to it. I think it will be fun. And although I am sure I’ll be nervous again, I also know that Heavenly Father will help me.

Rick said I should post my lesson plan and visual aids here, but I am not sure how. And I don’t know if anyone would need them anyway. But maybe I will sometime.

Today

What an enjoyable day it has been today. I slept very well, which surprised me greatly. I usually have a terrible time sleeping when Rick is not in bed next to me. But I slept well last night and woke up at 6am feeling quite refreshed. I nursed Asher, studied my scriptures, greeted Rick when he came home from the night shift, and then got a few more hours of sleep because the kids all slept in until 9:00.

The day was productive. I got our mountain of luggage and clothes and general trip “stuff” completely unpacked and put away. I washed, folded, and put away five loads of laundry. I scoured my kitchen and organized a few closets. I dusted the house and emptied all the garbage cans. I clipped coupons for our shopping trip. I put away all of our Christmas stuff. All this time passed very quickly because I talked on the phone with my sister-in-law while I worked.

More important than housework though, I spent time with my kids. We talked and tickled and laughed together. We’re still on a break of homeschool until next week, but we pulled out some school stuff at the kids’ request and really enjoyed ourselves.

When Rick woke up in the early evening, we ate dinner together. Afterwards we had a wonderful scripture study as a family. We are teaching the kids some hymns now that Christmas is over and we’re not learning carols, so we practiced singing together. We had a great scripture study and spiritual discussion. No wiggling and giggling, just attentive kids. And then a nice family prayer before Rick left for work.

I bathed all the kids, clipped fingernails and toenails, brushed teeth, and so on. We spent some time reading books and had a reading lesson for Maddie and Braden, again because they asked for it. I talked for a few minutes with my brother, which was nice. I don’t get to talk to my brother or my sister-in-law often enough and miss them both so it was nice to spend a few minutes just chatting. When I got off the phone, I tucked the kids into bed. Braden sang for a while before falling asleep and Madalyn kept “fake” coughing, but other than that the kids went to bed quickly and easily. I nursed Asher and gave him his medicine, and spent some time tickling him and playing with him before tucking him into bed in the bassinet in our room.

Now it’s just after 9pm. I am going to make some popcorn for myself. I am not sure if I will munch on it while reading or while watching TV. TV is such a great way for me to relax before bed. But after a nice productive day, I’d also like to continue being productive by reading a book from my list. Either way I will probably be in bed within an hour or so. And I am already looking forward to tomorrow.

Talking With Braden

We went to the mall today to buy some new summer clothes for Joshy. Rick took the older kids to the arcade and I kept Braden with me. “Out, out, out, ooouuut!” came a sudden cry from the stroller. ”Do you want out?” I asked. (It was obvious what he wanted, but I like to reinforce speech with him.) ”Uh-huh, out,” Braden affirmed, bouncing in his seat. Grabbing the buckle around his waist, he asked eagerly, “Buckle? Buckle? Out?” I unbuckled him and let him walk beside me. He walked next to me and pointed at everything he saw… ball, shoes, baby… He was super cute, of course!

We went to Motherhood next, to browse maternity swimming suits. There was a basket of giant duplo blocks and Braden was in heaven. He’d build a tower, show it to me and proclaim proudly, “Blocks, mine blocks.” Then he’d pull the tower apart and start again. When it was time to leave, he did not want to leave his blocks behind. He tried to bring the blocks with him and he cried sadly when I wouldn’t let him. “Blocks! Mine blocks!” he moaned pitifully as we left the store.

I love listening to Braden talk. Talking is my favorite baby milestone (along with those first smiles). I just love knowing that he’s beginning to really communicate. I love getting a peek inside his cute head. I love hearing his sweet voice.

This is an old journal entry. It’s about Madalyn learning to talk, but it really sums up how I feel as my little Braden reaches such big, important milestones.

December 20, 2005

Madalyn is almost 17 months and is really starting to talk now. Still mostly one word at a time, but it is just so darn cute. Today she found a bear that I don’t think she’d ever seen before and was instantly in love with it. She brought it to me and for the first time, used the word bear. She was delighted when I told her she was right and she’s carried it around the entire afternoon, repeating “bear, bear, bear” and giving it kisses.

I know I’ve been there as two other babies have learned to talk, but I am so delighted by my sweet Madalyn that it feels like I am a new mommy experiencing this for the first time. Isn’t that one of the great things about motherhood? I could do this all 100 times but it would still feel new- the wonder of an ultrasound, the joy of that first little smile, the magic of those first words- it all feels new every time I experience it.

But at the same time, it is somehow better with the passing of time. I suppose that is because I’ve now been a mommy long enough to realize how fleeting all this is and that I will be forced into “retirement” long before I’m ready. I find myself with a more profound appreciation for the miracles that I witness every day, simply because I know from experience how quickly these babies of mine will grow up. Wasn’t it just yesterday that Brenna toddled around in the shoes Madalyn now wears? And when did Joshua get hair?! It seems like just this morning I was kissing his totally bald, sweet-smelling, newborn head. 

I guess that’s what tugs at my heart so much now, as I listen to Madalyn really start to attach names to objects and try to communicate- I know that soon this will be over and she will never be at this stage again. She won’t ever again walk around the house so absolutely delighted to simply repeat the word bear and know what it means.

So as I watch my dear little Madalyn, clomping around the house in Brenna’s hand-me-down shoes, and triumphantly repeating her newest word in her sing-songy little voice, I find myself in awe. Not just for this milestone, but for the way I see this milestone- with the eyes of a brand new mommy as I’m so delighted by this miraculous growth in my baby girl, and with the eyes of a more experienced mommy, appreciating it even more because I know how quickly it will be over.

Now Maddie is nearly four. She is the cutest little chatterbox, who never stops talking! I still love hearing her voice and everything that she has to say. And I am still amazed that it wasn’t too long ago that she was only saying one word at a time.

And Braden, my little Braden is getting so big! He’s getting so tall (relatively speaking anyway), talking so much, acting so grown up. He is such a sweet little boy. He takes my breath away!

Brenna Lu

I was induced a week after my due date when Brenna (still un-named at that point) failed her non-stress test. Induction was necessary for the health of our baby, but it was terrible on my body. My body was just not ready to deliver! My labor was 30 hours long, and that is ONLY counting from the time my contractions became excrutiating. Before that point, contractions were at least bearable. Without going into details and at the risk of sounding melodramatic, during that labor I suddenly understood how women died in childbirth.

And then my sweet, sweet Brenna was born. I experienced that one incredible moment when the greatest pain I’d ever felt was instantly replaced by the greatest joy I’d ever known! I knew that I’d do it all over again for another baby. I don’t think a mother forgets the pain of labor, I think she just realizes that it’s all worth it in the end. Brenna was certainly worth everything I went through to bring her into this world.

As my first baby, Brenna was my entire world. She filled up my days and made them golden. Pregnant with Joshua in Brenna’s infancy, we napped together every afternoon, tucked cozily in my bed. How I loved falling asleep and waking up again with my baby girl beside me! We explored the world together and I loved seeing the kalidoscope of the world through my daughter’s eyes. I loved every moment spent with my precious girl.

Taken from Brenna’s journal when she was nine months old…

January 3, 2003

It has been ages since I have had the time, the energy, or even the desire to write. But Brenna is napping and the house is quiet enough that there is finally room for my thoughts. I rocked her today, and rubbed her back as she nodded off to sleep, and watched her in her crib for a while after I laid her down. She was so… she was just so mine, if that makes any sense at all. Her dimpled hands tucked beneath her belly, her round diapered bum in the air, and her hair now just long enough to look messy, sticking out in soft disarray above her ear. And every feature, every breath was so familiar to me, I suppose because I’ve been there since the very beginning.

I wanted this baby, longed for her, felt her grow and kick within me and watched her enter the world in that wondrous moment when ultimate pain is replaced by ultimate joy and months of waiting are finally worth it. And we’ve had this little person with us for nearly a year now. I’ve watched her smile and play and I’ve watched her curiosity flourish as she begins to understand the world around her.

We took walks together in the early spring, bundled against the coolness of April. She would sleep as we walked and I would watch her face, the growing roundness of her cheeks and the circle of her mouth caught in a silent whistle. I’ve stood with her in the golden days of summer, pointing out the hopping blue jays and stooping so she could feel the warmth and tickle of grass on her bare toes. Together we watched the seasons change, watched as the trees grew bare and the ground became littered with bright, crispy splashes of leaves. We would play in them together, carefully at first as she got used to the idea and then a bit more raucously as she began to enjoy herself. As winter came, I explained about snow and icicles and cold, and during that one snowfall this year I took her outside to see for herself.

Somehow time has played a game with me. The seasons have changed so rapidly as if in a moment, and the little sweet-smelling newborn I snuggled just days ago, has become a rowdy, active, and energetic little girl. She has recently ceased to be an infant and has begun looking more and more like a toddler. It’s the little things I notice, like how she sits in the grocery cart and swings her legs back and forth and the way she bends her knees and crouches down to get a better view of the ball that just rolled beneath the coffee table. It’s the way she tucks her head to her shoulder and giggles when she knows she’s being teased and it’s that impish little grin that she gives me when I ask her to come to me and she laughingly crawls away instead.

Whatever happened to time? Was she ever so small that I could cradle her in one arm?  That thin, squalling little baby I brought home from the hospital has somehow become a round and giggling nine-month-old with a personality all her own. And amazingly, she’s still the same. She’s bigger, rowdier, and harder to keep track of, but she is still the same little beauty that captured my heart so many months ago. I still look in her eyes and see the same wonder and wisdom that I did when I cradled her as a newborn. Her beautiful, radiant spirit, which graced our home in the months before she was born, now resides here and it still feels the same.

And I guess that’s what I mean when I look at her sleeping and think that she’s just so mine. That even with all the changes a year can bring, she’s still my baby and probably always will be. Years from now when Brenna is tall and busy and all grown up, I think my heart will still remember the way her wispy hair smelt after a bath, the way her tiny hand would clutch at my collar while we rocked, the feeling in her room at night after prayers were said and she lay sleeping in my arms. I think my heart will remember the simplicity of times gone, times when Brenna filled up my days and made them golden. My baby will be gone someday, taking with her the dimpled elbows, the rounded cheeks, and the wispy hair of childhood, and the joy and wonder that her presence brings to our home, but I hope that my heart remembers, and I know that she will always be mine.

And now six years have passed and my baby is a little girl. She is so tall now, so grown up and mature. She is amazing and precious. I am so grateful for her, for all that she is. How I adore my Brenna Lu!

Happy Birthday, Joshua!!

I was laying in bed at 7:30am, closing my eyes in attempt to avoid that queasy feeling that still overcomes me every morning. Out in the hall I heard Joshua’s cheerful little voice proclaiming, “Hey, everyone!! Guess who’s FIVE now?!” 

We had a busy, wonderful day with our special Joshua. I gave the kids party bags and they were thrilled. We inflated balloons with our new helium tank and decorated with lots of streamers and banners. The girls worked hard to decorate Joshy’s chair at the table, making it into a “special birthday chair” for him. Brenna wrapped his presents in blue wrapping paper (she loves to wrap presents!)

All day long the girls kept calling Joshua “birthday boy.” Whenever anyone wished him a happy birthday, Joshua- taught to always be polite- would cheerfully respond, “And a happy day to you too!”

Joshy adores bugs and insects of any kind so I wasn’t surprised when he requested a “bug cake” this year for his birthday. He picked out ten plastic bugs at a toy store last week and he was especially excited about the Praying Mantis he found. I spent most of the morning preparing his birthday cake… two round chocolate cakes with frozen whipped cream in between them. I frosted the cake (and the plate around the cake) with lots and lots of chocolate fudge pudding mixed with whipped cream to create “mud” and sprinkled cookie crumbs on top for “dirt.” I tried to make it look “like a real pile of mud” as Joshua had requested. I placed Joshy’s ten little bugs all over the mud pile. Joshua was thrilled with the end result.

Joshua took advantage of his April Fools’ Birthday again this year by playing the same joke he played last year. He called family members and said, “Hey, I’m FOUR… April Fool’s!! I’m really FIVE!!” He thinks this is the funniest joke ever. We all had fun playing April Fool’s jokes back by saying things like, “Oh, you’re such a cute birthday girl” and “We’re not eating this cake until your next birthday.” Joshua laughed and laughed and said that no one could fool him! Aunt Elaine sent him a special birthday message that said, ”Happy birthday to the birthday girl… April Fool’s!” Joshua giggled and said again that no one could fool him on April Fool’s Day- he KNEW he wasn’t a girl!!

We ate our “crazy” April Fool’s lunch (see my other post for details) and then spent the afternoon doing homeschool. We spent a great deal of time on math today- adding, subtracting, and working on fractions. Brenna and Josh love fractions! During her personal reading time, Brenna read HALF of a Junie B. Jones book in one sitting! I quizzed her afterwards to be sure that she’d actually comprehended it all and she repeated everything back in incredible detail. We had an hour of “quiet time” because Mommy was exhausted by this point and then got ready for Joshua’s birthday dinner.

Brenna has tried for several days to convince Joshua that we should eat at a nice restaurant for his birthday dinner. Joshua decided on a cheap meal at McDonald’s instead. We went “all out” and bought Happy Meal toys for everyone, chocolate milk, and apple dippers. The kids played happily on the indoor playground before and after dinner. Braden wasn’t brave enough to climb inside the tunnels with the big kids, but he did climb the steps and kept repeating, “play, play, play.”

After dinner we headed home for presents and cake. Joshua opened presents and loved his gifts. We bought him a V-Smile Pocket. This boy inherited his Daddy’s love for video games so he was so excited. He already has a V-Smile so all the games will work with the Pocket as well. He can take it anywhere and Mommy likes that the games are educational. The girls bought him a Spiderman game that he was also very excited about. We filled a few helium balloons and then sucked the helium out of them, laughing at our high, squeaky voices.

Then it was cake time. Joshua sat in his special chair the girls had decorated for him. We lit his FIVE candles and placed his bug cake in front of him. He folded his hands together and grinned while we sang to him. And then he blew out all his candles in one big breath. The cake was delicious! With all that pudding and whipped cream, how could it be anything but great?! Everyone loved it. And sweet Braden was quite happy with the gluten-free, egg-free, dairy-free cupcakes that I made just for him.

Joshua looked up at me with those round, gorgeous blue eyes and asked, “Mommy, how many more days until it is April 1st again?” I smiled, knowing that he wanted to know when he’d have another birthday.

Joshua loved his birthday and we all had a wonderful time celebrating with him. He is such a special person in our family!

Time sometimes fools me into thinking that these days will last forever, that my tiny ones will always stay tiny. But I have been a mother long enough now that I realize how fleeting this all is. Babies grow up as if in a moment. Five years pass so quickly. My babies are growing up so rapidly that it takes my breath away!

And that’s why I am so grateful for my mother’s heart, which will allow me to always, always, always remember my precious babies and these precious days.  I look at my big five-year-old. I see him as he is now- tall and handsome and looking very grown up these days. But thanks to my mother’s heart I also look at him and can so clearly see the baby that he used to be. I can so easily remember how it felt to hold him just moments after he was born. I remember how warm and light he was, how good he smelled. I remember my toddler with his round little cheeks and his enormous blue eyes. I remember that enchanting toothless smile and the way he’d follow me from room to room. I will always remember my little boy being little. My heart will never forget the baby that he once was. 

This was taken from Joshua’s journal. I wrote it on his first birthday, April 1, 2004.

Dear Joshy,
Today you woke up screaming at 6:00 AM, fitting I suppose since it was exactly one year ago, almost to the minute that you first made your swift entrance into the world. You woke up the entire house this morning, including your little sister who started wiggling and somersaulting in my belly more than she ever has before. Daddy brought you into our bed and you crawled over to me and tucked your little head under my chin. And there we all were on the morning of your first birthday, Daddy and Brenna groggy in the blankets next to us, and tiny Madalyn kicking and rolling inside my tummy, and mostly you and me snuggled together like we were 12 months ago. The sunshine filtered in through the blinds in our room reminding me of the first moment I held you. What else could a mother do but soak up such a morning? The entire family snuggled in bed, the sunlight rousing us to the world, and my beautiful little boy resting on in my arms. I felt a thousand things all at once, remembering the long months of waiting for you, and reliving those sweet morning moments one year ago when I held you close. And now you are here, with charm and personality unique just to you, my little Joshy. You’re better than I’d ever imagined you’d be. You’re more fun, more charming, more my little boy than I ever could have imagined before you actually came. You are my boy, Joshy, my sweet little boy. How fitting that after this magical, glorious, wonderful year together, you and I ended it just as we started it, snuggled together in the morning sun.

Here are a few pictures of my little boy’s big day!

Journal Entry: February 19, 2004

February 19, 2004

 

What a fun and could-have-been-stressful-but-wasn’t morning it has been. I woke to find my husband next to me, my babies still sleeping, and my house still sparkling from the scrubbing I gave it a few days ago. I enjoyed a wonderful bowl of Raisin Bran and a piece of wheat toast and felt healthy (a rare moment) and satisfied all at the same time. The sun rose brilliantly this morning and made everything look like June. Because Joshy had a bad messy diaper during the night, and the odor really permeated itself into his room, I cracked his window after he woke up. Later I found that spring had snuck in through his open window and the entire upstairs smelled like it. I could hear birds chirping and twittering and I opened the window completely.

 

I was feeling so spring-like that I selected a pair of jean capris (they have a zipper and a button and actually still fit over my expanding middle) and a cotton shirt to wear for the day. Feeling especially adventurous I decided to take a shower. I used to sit Brenna immobile and content in front of Teletubbies so that I could sneak into the shower every morning. But then she learned to crawl, and walk, and climb, and then little brother arrived. It’s been over a year since I’ve enjoyed a shower every morning as I used to so I was especially excited and a little bit nervous as I got ready.

 

I gave the kids small bowls of dry cereal and set them in front of Tarzan, Brenna’s current favorite, somewhat satisfied that they’d sit still for a few minutes at least. I took one last peak down at the kids (they were happily dumping cheerios over each other’s heads) before hopping into the shower.

 

Everything smelled so good and so fresh, and it felt so nice to shower at a normal time of day, rather than at 1:00 during naptime or 8:00 after the kids were in bed. I enjoyed a very quick, but very nice shower.

 

As I stepped out and toweled off, I was aware of a strange, consuming silence that filled the air. Silence is said to be golden, but it’s anything but that when two unsupervised and energetic toddlers are “playing” together. The silence was intense and every so often it was punctuated by delighted giggles. I slid into my clothes as fast as I could and hurried downstairs.

 

There they were, my two smiling cherubs, with an entire box of markers strewn about them on the floor and a rainbow of artistic squiggles and swirls covering both the linoleum and Joshua. So many thoughts entered my brain at all once. This was an obvious no-no and one that we’d discussed before, but how could I scold such small children, only 23 and 11 months? I was the parent here, I’d left them alone, and I should have long ago moved the markers to a place where Brenna couldn’t reach them.

 

I stood over them, both so happy, and had to ask, “Brenna, where do we color?” Happily she sang out, “On the paper, on the paper! We color on the paper!” as she squiggled a red marker along the linoleum. There was obviously some lack of understanding as to what the term “on paper” actually meant, and I had to smile.

 

They were both just so cute. Brenna singing brightly, a little kitchen floor Picasso, and Joshy delighted as he squeezed markers in his hands and clapped them gleefully together. It must be really fun to be little with your best friend, a box of markers, and an entire floor to decorate. It must be exciting to see those bright swirling colors as they magically appear. It must be fun to be so happy and so innocent and so young. I snapped a picture of them with their markers and colorful drawings, wanting to always remember them in their innocence and their excitement as they discovered something new in the world.

 

I explained again that we can’t color on the floor and moved all markers, colored pencils, and pens out of the roll-top desk and into the closet. I scrubbed with a little Windex and Brenna’s artwork came up easily. Encouraged by that and still feeling refreshed from my shower, I dressed the kids for the first time in over a week and bundled them into their stroller. They’ve been so sick recently that this was the first time we’d left the house in weeks for anything other than a trip to the hospital or the pediatrician.

 

Our walk was wonderful. The air smelled so good, the sun was warm, and the grass was a moist yellow-green color. Everything seemed so serene and yet so alive at the same time. The kids were absolutely still, settling back to enjoy the morning as much as I was. We only walked for thirty minutes or so, but it was a fabulous mini-vacation.

 

At home I fixed the kids jam sandwiches, one of the few things they’re willing to eat lately. They both not only finished their half-sandwiches but also nibbled on apple slices and cheese afterwards. It encouraged me and made me wonder if they’re finally feeling just a bit better.

 

I put them both down for naps and the house has been silent ever since. This is the kind of silence that truly is golden, the kind that allows a busy mom to think about something beyond the next round of diaper changes. Walking always makes me grateful. I think it’s pushing a stroller with Brenna and Joshy in it, a stroller full of the reason for everything I do.  Brenna and Joshua remind me of hopes and dreams, of my triumphs and shortcomings, of my memories and my future. They are my entire world, Brenna and Joshy. They are the light of my days. They make me so happy. In their innocent sweetness, and in their love of life, they constantly teach me and strengthen me and give more to me than I ever give to them.

 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it forever, motherhood is what I was meant to do. I have never found greater joy than this, and I have never felt the spirit as sweetly as I do now. These vibrant, noble, and sacred spirits have been entrusted to me, in my weakness and in my mortality. That’s why I am completely dependant upon the Lord. Because I couldn’t do any of this without Him, and because these precious children were His before they were mine. I will never be afraid to have children, or even to lose them. The Lord knows best and He will always guide me if I ask, especially as I raise these little ones to Him. I am filled with an infinite love and gratitude, for a husband so sweet and babies so precious, for a new little spirit joining us soon, and most of all for a Father in Heaven that never leaves me and always loves me, and blesses me with valiant spirits direct from His presence.

 

I smile at my life, at the diaper changes and the markers on the floor and at the beautiful babies that fill up my days. I smile at the hectic moments and the sweet ones that always follow. I smile at the slobbery kisses and the goofy giggles and the sticky hands. I smile as I watch them grow, remembering what they were and dreaming of what they will be, and marveling at what they are now.

Journal Entry: August 23, 2003

August 23, 2003

I stepped out of the shower this morning and felt chilly, as if it were September. Fitting, I suppose since it nearly is September, but strange because I’m sure that just last week it was still June. Time again plays tricks on me. Summer- the summer in which my second little baby has come alive before my eyes- is now nearly over. I started the summer with a beautiful little boy, who was less than two months old at the time. He was so tiny and still somewhat yellow with balled-up hands and squinty eyes. And now I end the summer with that same little boy, my little Joshua.

Over the last few months (which have gone by in a matter of weeks) he has blossomed and grown and he has become even more himself than when the summer began. He has personality! Joshy is a “talker” and as social a little boy as I’ve ever seen. He loves to snuggle and he adores his big sister Brenna already. He rolls and wiggles and scoots like a little inchworm with his bum in the air. He’s a wiggling bundle of movement and energy. But somehow when he is sleeping, he is the most still, quiet, and peaceful thing I have ever seen.

How could just a few months change him so? Somewhere in the summer months, my newborn has become my baby.

And my little baby girl Brenna? This one swift summer has taken her over the great divide that separates babies from toddlers. I’ve watched her language and personality blossom, and I’ve seen a few brief moments of two-year-old like stubbornness. And even more amazing that this summer of transformation is that just one short year ago, Brenna was Joshua’s age and Joshua was a developing human being inside of me, as tiny as a grain of rice.

I’ve never had a greater ambition than that of motherhood, and now that I am in the middle of it, I am amazed at how quickly it goes. I’m spellbound when I think of that first beating heart on an ultrasound, the tiny kicks of a growing baby within, and that sacred moment when a noble spirit enters a beautiful mortal body. And then I think of all the days and months and years that pass, of a mewing newborn becoming a wriggling little baby and continuing still to grow.

My greatest hope is that I can teach these beautiful ones what is right, that I can instill in them strong and sure testimonies so that someday when their world is bigger than our family alone, they will know who they are and how to have faith and how to keep the commandments.

Motherhood is the only thing I’ve ever really wanted to do, and it is the greatest thing that I have ever done with myself. I am so grateful! How blessed I am as a mother, to watch those grainy, dream-like images on an ultrasound, to feel those first fluttery movements of life within me, to touch a newborn life just as it begins, and then to spend all my time and all my energy with these sacred little ones.

It’s no wonder that I’m ready for another baby.