As a Mother

I found this quote on another blog and I really like it. Motherhood is the most enormous calling, but we are never alone in it.

“As a mother, my job is to take care of what is possible and trust Got with what is impossible.”

-Ruth Bell Graham

Letting Go of the Guilt

Last night was another sleepless night for me. Jacob woke up every 2-3 hours to nurse and Asher was up four times for no apparent reason. And poor Joshua threw up once or twice an hour all night long.

When Rick came home from work in the morning, he let me sleep for two more hours. I was surprised when I woke up very refreshed. And I was disappointed when, just two hours later, I found myself tired again.

I am tired. I haven’t slept for about a month. I expect my newborn to keep me up at night. That’s normal and that I can deal with. But for some reason, I never count on Asher keeping me up as well. Even though that boy has never been a good sleeper and has kept me up nights for over a year, I somehow go to bed each night thinking that he’ll sleep. I am always surprised when he doesn’t, and I really shouldn’t be so shocked anymore. Between these two adorable little boys, and occasionally one or two of their adorable older siblings, I’m just not sleeping.

In addition, I’ve never been so busy during the day time. I am homeschooling four kids right now (2nd grade, 1st grade, Kindergarten, and Preschool). With a family of eight, we have more laundry and more dishes  and more clutter than ever before, and it feels like I am constantly cleaning. One day “off” is all it takes to throw our home into cluttered chaos. The kids are busier than ever as well. We attend 16.5 hours of activities a week- currently gymnastics, choir, wrestling, and Maddie is starting gymnastics next week. That does NOT include piano lessons or gymnastics meets or wrestling tournaments, and I don’t even want to total the number of hours we put into those events each week.

I don’t begrudge any of this. In fact, it makes me happy. I love my busy life. I love homeschooling my children. I love running them around the activities that make them so happy. I may not always love the constant cleaning and chores, but I do always love taking care of my family that way. I even enjoy my sleepless nights because the boys that keep me up are so, so sweet. All of this is the life I used to dream of and I am still amazed that now it’s reality.

But I’m still tired. I can be absolutely, completely, totally in love with my life and still be tired at the same time, right?

I must admit that I’ve taken advantage of Thanksgiving break. With no school and no activities, you’d think it would have been very easy for me to keep up on household chores. But instead, I’ve rested and relaxed and played with my kids all day. I haven’t done any laundry or cleaning or dishes for the past two days.

I feel guilty about it. I shouldn’t feel guilty about taking a few days off, but I do. I need to change my perspective. I need to remind myself that laundry and dishes and cleaning can always wait another day. I need to recognize that a mini vacation is good for a person every once in a while. I need to realize that the most important things are still happening- the kids are happy, clean, and fed, we’re having prayers and scripture study, and we’re enjoying our time together. 

Joshua is still sick. He looks terrible. It worries me because it takes so much to keep Josh down. He’s a kid who never acts sick, even when he really is. I’m still not sure what’s going on with him. It could be gluten cross-contamination. It could be a flu bug. I’d feel horrible if it was gluten because that could have been so easily prevented. But I also would hate it if he had the flu because it’s sure to be passed to the other kids as well. I made him a comfy bed on the family room couch. He’s resting and watching TV. I am keeping a close eye on him.

I’d planned to clean like a mad woman today, but I think I’ll put my feet up instead. Looks like more snuggling, coloring, fingernail painting, hair fixing, reading, and movie watching is on the agenda today. If I clean a little, then great. And if I clean nothing at all… well, there’s always tomorrow for that.

Regrets

Rick is working today so we celebrated Thanksgiving a few days early on Tuesday. We had a great time together as a family.

I had planned to visit Rick’s family today. I was going to leave Rick home since he had to work anyway and drive to his parents’ house with our 6 kids and the dog.

But then Jacob came down with a cold. It was mild, but it still concerned me. I’ve learned from experience that newborns can go from mildly sick to needing to be hospitalized very rapidly. I worried about traveling with a sick 4-week-old. What if he got worse while we were out of town? What if he was exposed to more germs by being with so many people?

As I thought more about it, I began to find more reasons to stay home. I’ve been getting 2 to 3 hours of sleep each night for the past month. I’ve never gotten so little sleep with a newborn. But then again, I’ve never had a newborn and an Asher at the same time either! (Asher’s never been a good sleeper.) In addition to getting so little sleep, I’m quite busy during the day with 6 active kids. 

With no homeschool and no kids’ activities over the Thanksgiving holiday, I started to wonder if I should take the opportunity to stay home and rest. So for several reasons, I decided to stay home today.

The kids and I have spent the day in pajamas. We’ve spent our time snuggling, painting fingernails, playing games, and dressing Jacob in doll clothes just for fun. We watched Home Alone together, munched on popcorn, and wrote out Christmas lists. I haven’t folded any laundry, cleaned up any toys, or washed a single dish. I know that I’ll have to catch up on everything tomorrow, but for now I’d rather just spend Thanksgiving with my sweet children. It’s been a nice, relaxing day.

But I still find myself feeling a little sad and regretting my decision to stay home. I wish we were with family today. I wish the kids were running around with their cousins. I wish I was in the kitchen with all the girls in the family as we worked together to prepare a big Thanksgiving dinner. I really wish we would have gone up.

Jacob’s actually feeling better today- his nose is more clear and his breathing (which has really worried me) is much better now. And, even though I stayed home to rest, who really needs rest anyway? I should have just gone. I should have just gone.

Note to Self

If you are planning on resting while the smallest kids nap and the bigger kids watch a movie, be sure to select a movie that the kids don’t find absolutely hilarious.

I learned this today. I put Asher and Jacob down for naps. I brought all the other kids into my room to watch Ice Age 3 while I dozed in bed. I really thought that I could snooze a little. But the kids find Ice Age 3 so completely and delightfully humorous that I didn’t get to rest much. Every other minute someone was shouting into my ear, “Mom! Mom! Watch this part! It’s so funny, Mom! Keep watching!” Even after the funny part was over, several children would squeal, “Keep watching! There’s more! There’s more!” And every few seconds the kids would all erupt in raucous giggles, and start bouncing on my bed in delight.

So yeah. Next time I want to rest while the kids watch a movie, I’ll pick something boring.

Swiftly

I took Brenna to gymnastics practice on Wednesday. I still don’t like to leave her there alone so I always stay during practice. We were running late so I dropped her off at the entrance to the rec center and promised to meet her inside after I parked. Brenna jumped out of the car, grinned at me and said, “I love you, Mom,” and then darted off towards the building.

I think I gasped out loud as I watched her go. Her legs suddenly seemed so slender, her hair seemed so long. Everything about her seemed grown up as I watched her run. At seven years old, there is nothing even remotely babyish about Brenna anymore. She lost her baby fat and chubby cheeks long ago. She washes her own hair and brushes her own teeth and ties her own shoes. She knows how to change a diaper and she loves to cook. Even her permanent teeth are finally growing in. She is mature and capable and so grown up.

But wasn’t it just yesterday that she was the infant I cradled? That she was the squalling newborn that kept me up at night? Or the inquisitive toddler that delighted me constantly? The preschooler who wanted to be read to endlessly? Where are the dimpled elbows, the pudgy fingers, and the ringlets that bounced just above her shoulders? Where did that baby go? Where did my baby go?

I remember being a little saddened when Brenna turned two, and three, and four. I was never sad that she was growing up. In fact, she got more fun with each passing year. Instead, I was sad because she was growing up so fast. The years passed so swiftly that it literally took my breathe away. I felt I needed just a little more time with Baby Brenna and Toddler Brenna and Preschooler Brenna, before time managed to transform her once again.

But Brenna turning two or four was nothing compared to watching the changes in her now. A three-year-old is still so young and small, still almost a baby. But like I said before, there is nothing babyish about Brenna any more. Seeing her grow into a child, rapidly approaching her “tween” years and leaving her babyhood far behind her, is amazing. Truly, Brenna is an incredible girl and she gets more fun with each passing year. But, again, these changes are happening so rapidly, as if in a moment, that it hurts my heart a little bit too. Even as I thrill at her growth and development, even as I delight in the incredible girl that she is becoming, even as I enjoy the deeper relationship we now can share, I still find myself teary eyed. I never expected the years to pass so swiftly. Time somehow fooled me into thinking that Brenna would be tiny for a long time. But now here she is, tall and thin and seven years old, and it hurts because it’s happened far too quickly.

Time doesn’t fool me like it used to. I know all too well how fast babies grow. Jacob, so tiny and warm in my arms, will grow up- as cliche as it may be- in the mere blink of an eye. Soon he’ll be the seven-year-old that I adore and marvel at, the one who makes wonder where the last seven years escaped to. And I know that it won’t be long before I look back and wonder where my seven-year-old Brenna disappeared to because now she’s a busy teenager instead.

I miss washing Brenna’s hair for her. I miss dressing her in the morning and rocking her to sleep at night. I miss doing things for her. I miss the way she used to need me. I miss how tiny she used to be. I miss it all. I miss my baby girl. And, yes, I sometimes cry a little because of it.

But I also adore the seven-year-old that Brenna has become. I love talking with her, sharing funny jokes and stories. I love listening to everything that she has to say. I love watching Brenna fill her role of big sister. I love that she reads chapter books and does long math problems. I love watching her in gymnastics, the sport she loves and the one that she is willing to push herself for. I love spending time with her. I love that we are friends and that we enjoy being together. I love that she still loves to snuggle and hold hands and be read to. I love that she constantly uses our secret “I love you” hand squeeze, something my Nana taught me when I was just a little girl myself. I love everything, everything, everything about where Brenna is now. She is delightfully fun. She is beautiful. She is incredible. And, as big as she is now, she is still my baby girl!

I cherish my babies. I cherish my big kids. I cherish every year in between. I vow to rock my babies, tickle my toddlers, sing with my preschoolers, and talk with my elementary schoolers. I can’t keep my children small forever, but I can enjoy every moment with them while I have the chance.

I am so grateful for the sacred privilege of being a mother. I am so grateful for the six precious, beautiful children that Rick and I have been blessed with. I am so thankful for all the incredible joys and even the heartache that motherhood brings. And even though time passes far too swiftly for my liking, I suppose it really is the passing of time that makes life so very precious.

Because life is precious and because my children are miraculous, I am also so very thankful for my knowledge of eternity. I am thankful for the sealing power of the temple. I am thankful for Heavenly Father’s plan for the salvation of His children. I am thankful that life does not end in death. I am striving to raise these children to the Lord and I am so thankful for His help and guidance as I do.

I have been so very blessed!

Lazy Days

We’ve had a lazy day today. We all got up early and got our chores done quickly. And from then on, it’s been nothing but laziness and relaxation around here! My little ones (obviously tired after being up all night) took extra long naps, my middle kids spent the day playing quietly, and my biggest Brenna has been off at a friend’s house all afternoon. I’ve snuggled with Jacob a lot, taken pictures of my kids, spent some time online, and enjoyed the peacefulness of the day.

The house is spotless except for the toys that the kids are currently busy with. Each room is bright with afternoon sunshine. I’ve had the windows open today so the air feels cool and fresh and autumn-y. It’s a good, good day.

Falling Short

I am frustrated this morning. I feel like I am falling short in everything that needs to be done. I understand that I  have been sick, that I have five small children to care for, and that I am 9 months pregnant. All that is bound to make a mommy tired. But there comes a point when life has to go on.

Everything went so well as we started back into school. It was an ideal month and a perfect start to our school year. Homeschool was going beautifully, the house was always clean and our new job charts were working well, the kids were happy and helpful and enjoying their activities, everything on my list was getting accomplished. Then I was sick for two miserable weeks and everything changed as a result. The house and schedule tend to fall apart easily when I am not the driving force behind them. Still, I tried to be patient with myself. I gave myself last week to “rest and recover” and I really did try to take it easy during that week. We skipped homeschool for the second week in a row. I didn’t do much cleaning- just enough so that the house was tidy and the dishes and laundry stayed caught up. Rick even did the weekly grocery shopping for me.

Now we are starting “week four” of this ordeal and in spite of the week that I spent resting and recovering, I still feel neither rested nor recovered. I feel good again and over my recent illness. But I still feel tired and weak as a result of it. This makes me also feel completely frustrated because I really can’t afford to be tired any longer.

I have a baby that could be here in two weeks (Asher would have been!) I need to get ready for his arrival. I need to prepare baby stuff and get my house clean and my projects done. There’s also homeschool. I don’t want to use any more vacation time than I have to and I’ve already used two weeks so far this year. Plus there is Halloween and all the fun that goes along with it. I love Halloween and celebrating all month long with my kids, but I worry that the energy I need to do so just won’t be there. I have so many things that I need to catch up on after being sick, plus all the normal mommy duties that can’t be neglected or they will pile up as well. And with the baby coming so soon, I feel like I have a deadline. I feel like I need to be caught and up and get back on a good schedule and have my projects finished all within the next week or two before his arrival. I don’t have the luxury of sitting around waiting to feel better!

The bottom line, if it wasn’t obvious already, is that I am frustrated with myself. I have so much to do and not nearly enough energy to get it all done.

A Lack of Energy

I am so unmotivated today. Well, no, that’s not true. I am actually VERY motivated! I WANT to clean and get projects done. I WANT to finish my laundry and do my dishes. I WANT to encourage the kids and keep them motivated to finish their own chores. Really, I do.

But I am seriously lacking the ENERGY needed to do all those things. Perhaps it’s because I’m just getting over a nasty combination of pneumonia and the flu. Or maybe it’s because I am almost 9 months pregnant. Or it could be because I got up at 5:45am with a grouchy 14-month-old. Or maybe I am just plain lazy. But, for whatever reason, I am exhausted and it’s not even lunch time yet.

I think of what needs to be done. I stand up to go do it. I walk down the stairs, have a major contraction and feel my legs turn to jelly. I get a cookie and go sit back down. I rest for a few minutes. I think of what needs to be done. I stand up… You get the idea. It’s a nasty little cycle. I’ve sat down a lot this morning, eaten a lot of cookies, and gotten very little accomplished.

Somewhere inside of me there must be a hidden well of strength and energy, right? I just need to find it.

UPDATE…

I exercised lightly, hoping that it would boost my energy level. I managed to get two loads of laundry washed and folded. I have one more in the dryer, but it’s just sheets and towels so it will be easy to finish. I got the bathrooms and hallway tidied and cleaned up the living room and family room. I really need to get to the kitchen; the dishes and counters need some attention.

My kids have been very unmotivated lately. They are usually such good helpers, but they just keep goofing around and playing. After several days of messy bedrooms I finally gave them an ultimatum. I told them that if they can’t get their rooms picked up, I’m going to put their toys and books and anything else that is out of place into an extended “time out.” I hope that will motivate them to clean up their stuff, but right now they are still playing together.

Roll Call

I have almost six children. But I feel like I should have seven or eight or nine kids by now. I constantly feel like someone is missing. It’s not just that ONE child, this baby is missing, either. I feel like several children are missing at the same time. It’s a very strong, frequent feeling.

I feel like I am missing children as I call kids for family prayer, as I gather shoes and jackets (now that the fall weather is here), or as a prepare plates for lunch.

I will buckle my two littlest in their car seats and check the car seat straps of the other three. Even though I just helped five little children into the van, I still feel like I’m missing half of my children. It’s quite unnerving, especially when it happens in the van. When we are in the van getting ready to leave, it is scary to feel like I am leaving children behind.

For this reason, I’ve started doing occasional “roll calls.” I don’t do it every time we leave the house, just on the days that those “I’m missing children” feelings are especially strong. Going from oldest to youngest, I call out each child’s name and they answer back with “here.”

Now little Asher usually responds with either “ha” or “hee” when he hears his name. It is so adorable! And Braden always asks that I call for Mister Bear as well, which is also darling.

I do hope that I get over these “missing children” feelings soon. I can count heads three times in a row and still feel anxious that several of my little ones aren’t present.

I Missed It

I love, love, love the transition between seasons. No matter which season is ending or which season is beginning, it’s always a magical time.

I really haven’t left the house much in almost two weeks. Before I got sick, the weather was still really warm and “summery” even in September. But now all the status updates on Facebook are about how cold it is outside, and I hear rain and wind pounding the windows in the mornings, and when Rick took Josh to football practice he told him to put on his Underarmor Coldgear, and Asher wakes up with cold hands every morning. It might even be time to start running the heater at night. 

So apparently, autumn came with the arrival of October. And I think I missed that magical transition time this year. I’m sad that I did.

I am hoping for a long autumn. I am so ready for jackets and sweaters, for chilly mornings and darker nights, for warm comfort foods served for dinner. But I am NOT ready for winter with snow and boots and freezing temperatures and wet footprints tracked across the floor. I’d like to spend a month or two in the comfortable cool of fall before the chill of winter really sets in.