My Hamster Wheel

*I wrote this last week and never posted it. I’m posting it now because I want to record these feelings. And because maybe this will help some other mama who is running in her own personal hamster wheel. Cuz aren’t we all sometimes?

I’m a hamster in a hamster wheel. I run, run, run, run, and never actually go anywhere. I run as fast and as hard as I can with nothing to show for it at the end of the day. No matter how hard I try and how much I give, it’s never quite enough.  

I have a crew of four crazy little boys born in four years. They are good, sweet, innocent little boys. But when they are together (which is basically every moment of every day) they create this little Bermuda Triangle of mischief and destruction. They get into everything! 

Jacob can open doors, climb anything, and is totally fearless. Braden is inquisitive, likes to take things apart, and tends to act out when he’s frustrated. Asher is usually the ring leader- he’s impulsive, curious, and high-spirited and the other boys follow along in whatever crazy, naughty thing he’s doing. 

The boys are very quick and they can either work together to cause as much trouble as possible in one spot, or they can split up and cause trouble in several different places at once. I don’t know how they get into so much in one day or how I manage to hang onto my patience and a portion of my sanity through it all. It’s exhausting.

Just yesterday they flooded both the window well and the bathroom, made “soup” on the stove, threw mud and poop (yup) on the back porch, and required five changes of clothes and two different baths. The day before they dumped dog food and powdered sugar into my oven and Asher stripped naked and slathered himself up head to toe in peanut butter. (He said he wanted to be a sandwich.)

It’s constant. It’s exhausting. It’s mind-boggling how much they get into. It’s discouraging that I can never quite keep up with them. Run, run, run, run in my daily hamster wheel.

This is not what I am used to. My first babies were easy peasy. They slept 12 hours at night. They came when I called. They sat without a peep in church. They preferred puzzles and story books and quiet, imaginative play. They never colored on walls or flooded toilets or played with poop or dumped powdered sugar or shoved socks down the sink drain. Easy peasy.

But these little boys, parented exactly the same way, are exactly the opposite of the older kids. They do things that would turn anyone’s hair instantly grey. They do these things constantly. They do these things no matter what I do, no matter how I parent, no matter how I correct or guide or punish or distract. It’s enough to make me feel like a failure pretty regularly because they never seem to learn what I am trying to teach.

Sometimes, the only thing I can at the end of the day is, “Well, at least I was patient with them.” Maybe patience (especially through disaster after disaster) is enough… but it doesn’t usually feel like it.

Run, run. Run, run.

I know this post is a downer right now, but don’t worry, I’m getting to the cheery and positive part! No matter how crazy life is, there is always a cheery, positive part!

See, the big difference between me and that hamster in the wheel, is that I am actually working towards something valuable. I’m NOT running for no reason. I’m running for a purpose! I’m running for the greatest, most divine purpose of all!

I am raising beautiful children, raising them to the Lord. Someday (hopefully, prayerfully) these crazy little boys of mine will be strong, determined, valiant young men, doing what is right and obeying Heavenly Father and living good lives. Amid the spilled oatmeal and the flooded toilets and the crayoned walls, there is a peace in knowing what I am actually working towards.

So I laugh (and sometimes cry!) through our daily disasters and try to remember that each day is a progression towards a larger goal. I try to remember that I don’t need to change my boys. I don’t need to parent-out their spunk and spirit or their high energy or their curiosity. Instead, I need to teach them to obey Heavenly Father and to use these qualities for good. I remember something that my aunt said, speaking to her daughter about her children: “You wanted a banana and you were blessed with a peach instead. A peach is very different from a banana, but it’s just as good!”

I love my crazy little boys! My days would be so boring without them! I certainly would be lacking for status updates to post on facebook! And how would I ever learn such extreme patience without the constant need to practice it?

Seriously though, I love how fun-loving, free-spirited, and totally unique they each are. I love Braden’s sense of humor and how intelligent and inquisitive he is. I love talking with that special boy because he always has something interesting or funny to say. I love Asher’s playfulness, his imagination, and his zest for life. I even love his craziness because it’s a part of who he is. I love his giggle and his “best hugs.” I love Jacob’s determination and intensity, his fearless nature and his sense of adventure. I love the way he lifts his arms and says “you” and still wants to be picked up when he is tired. I love these unique, incredible, beautiful, crazy boys of mine! I love their hugs, I love their laughter. I love how deeply I have to reach inside myself to parent them, how much I have to rely on Heavenly Father to guide me along.

These boys are either going to keep me young forever or age me far beyond my years, but either way it’s a fantastic journey. Totally crazy, but absolutely fantastic!

Traveling and Motherhood

It’s 6:30 am. My alarm is set to go off in 30 minutes, but I’m up anyway, unable to sleep. I don’t know how to sleep without waking up to kids I guess. I need some morning hugs, kisses, and snuggles from my babies.

I enjoyed the long drive here. It took all day, but we made good time and I enjoyed talking with Mom, Dad, and Rick as we drove. Carpooling together is really fun and we need to do it more often.

Once we arrived here, tired and rumpled from about 13 hours in the car, we stopped in to visit family. Nothing like saying hello to family members while still in your jammies!

Still, we had such a wonderful time. I liked seeing all my aunts and uncles in this stage of life. They are all grandparents now, filled with love, open, relaxed. We talked, laughed, ate yummy food. Rick and I waded in the creek together and tried (unsuccessfully) to catch crayfish. We listened to Uncle Jon play songs he’d written. It was an enjoyable evening. I liked the love there.

We picked Mike up at the airport next, and he squished into the back seat with Rick and me and all our luggage. It was a cozy ride and we all laughed as we remembered other funny traveling experiences when we were young.

We got lost on the way to the hotel, but eventually made it. Elaine paid for our jacuzzi suite after the contest she and Rick had this summer.

Mom, Dad, and Mike are staying at a different hotel and they’ll be by to pick us up in a few hours. So I’m left with 15 more minutes to sort out my thoughts this morning.

I’m thinking about motherhood. Motherhood is usually my most dominate thought and today, while I’m missing my kids, motherhood is the only thought in my head.

I want to be a good mother! There are a million things to do so it can be hard to strip it all down sometimes, to the things that really matter. Above all, I want my kids to develop strong testimonies, to know that they are unconditionally loved, and to know that I am happier than ever as they’re mom. I want to validate them, to love them in ways that they feel it, and to gently guide them through this life. I want them to remember gentleness, unconditional love, and joy when they think of me someday.

I suppose I need to ask myself three things in my role as a mother. I don’t need to ask if I finished all the laundry, made a yummy dinner, got the kids out the door on time, or even finished our homeschool lessons for the day. Those things aren’t vitally important. Those things- and many others- need to be stripped away from what I view as most important.

Here are the questions I would ask myself…

Do my words and actions validate this child?

Do my words and actions show this child unconditional love?

Am I guiding this child towards the life that Heavenly Father wants him/her to lead?

Do my children see the joy I find in being their mother, the joy I have because THEY are here?

Time to go see my baby brother get married…

Embrace It

I was already a little edgy when I walked into my kitchen this morning. I’d gotten little sleep during the night and I was tired. Babies were fussy, little boys were whiney, children were off-task. I’d already changed three massive messy diapers, changed a set of soaking wet sheets, dressed four little boys, cleaned my room and the boys’ room, sorted all the boys’ dirty laundry and started it washing, folded a load of laundry, and scrubbed red crayon off my dryer drum (my first experience with washing and drying a crayon… and it was red in a load of whites…)

And it wasn’t even time for breakfast yet.

In doing all that, I’d naturally noticed all the things that still demanded attention- toothpaste on the bathroom counter, purple scribbles on my wall, older kids lying around in their pajamas when they were supposed to be doing morning chores, a garbage can full of diapers that “no one” had knocked over. There was lots of laundry to wash, many chores to finish, a full day of homeschool material to work through, errands to run. The lawn needed to be mowed, the garage needed to be organized, I was already behind on my homeschool prep work, and I had a big birthday party to plan. There was so much to do! 

So when I walked into my kitchen- which had been spotless the day before and was now a complete wreck- my frustration mounted. I felt frustrated with my children for making such giant messes, frustrated with my husband for not pitching in last night when he promised he would, and frustrated with myself for not having the time, energy, and patience I felt like I needed right then.

I paused, staring at the scattered oatmeal, the dirty dishes on the table, the mail that needed to be sorted, the garbage that needed to be taken out… Just as I was really starting to grumble to myself, a thought came to my mind-  it was sudden, powerful, and it instantly filled me with gratitude.

Embrace it!

Sometimes I get so caught up in WHAT I need to do every day, that I forget WHY I’m actually doing it all. I forget to take joy in this messy, miraculous journey. I forget to embrace the chaos and beauty and wonder of the life I’ve chosen. I forget that, amid all the laundry and clutter, I am truly living my dream as I raise my children.  

The truth is, I’d rather wash 20 loads of laundry than none at all. I’d rather wake up to a poopy diapers, wet sheets, a messy kitchen, and seven beautiful children… than wake up to a tidy house with no one inside it. Someday my children will be grown and that day will come all to soon. I will not wish any part of today away…  Not even the dirty dishes.

How temporary this life is, how fast each day goes. Everything that surrounds me is momentary, fleeting, precious. I need to embrace every aspect of my life, while I still have the chance to do so.

I can’t say that I always find the dictionary to be spiritually uplifting. However, the definition of the word embrace speaks to my heart today as I think of motherhood.

Embrace:
1. to take or clasp in the arms; press to the bosom; hug.
2. to take or receive gladly or eagerly; accept willingly: to embrace an idea.
3. to avail oneself of: to embrace an opportunity.

So today I embrace this sacred calling. I embrace the dirty diapers and the dishes in my sink. I embrace the chaos and the clutter. I embrace it all, with gratitude and with joy. Truly, there is nothing else I’d rather be doing!

What Really Matters

I have many blogs that I enjoy reading, all of them “mommy blogs” and each of them for a different reason. Some blogs inspire me, others make me thankful, some give me great homeschooling ideas, a few are just fun to read. I read them because I usually glean something valuable from them, and because I enjoy them.

I do have to be careful though. Occasionally, in weaker moments, I read these great mommy blogs and come away feeling down about myself rather than inspired. This doesn’t happen very often, usually only when I am already feeling inadequate.

At those times, when I am down and comparing myself to others, I read these blogs and I think many things. I think I should do better with homeschooling. I think I should take nicer pictures. I think I should fix my girls’ hair in cuter styles and with more bows… and those bows should probably be handmade. I think I should take my kids on more nature walks, do more decorating, and maybe get some chickens. I think I should bake more, sew more, garden more, organize more.

But the truth is that none of those things will make me a “better” mom.  

I remember when we first got married and when our first babies were born. I felt this great need to be an amazing wife, mother, and homemaker. I learned to bake bread and make yummy homemade pies. I took up quilting. I scrapbooked. All because those were things that good mommies did.

As the years have passed, I’ve relaxed more. I’ve gotten more comfortable being who I am and letting my own best be enough for me. I’ve stopped comparing myself to others or worrying about what others think about me. I’ve felt more secure in my own choices.

But sometimes those thoughts still creep in.

I think most mommies deal with these feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt occasionally. After all, if every mom felt completely secure in her own choices, there would probably be fewer wars” over breast vs bottle, stay-at-home vs working mom, homeschool vs. public school…

In the end, I think we are all just doing our very best under the weight of the enormous and amazing task of raising children. Every family is different, every child is completely unique. We are all just doing the best we can in our own unique circumstances.

I want to compare myself only to the mommy I know I can be, and not to anyone else. I want to let go of my insecurities, to own my choices without self-doubt, to let my personal best effort be enough. I want to be the best mommy I can be, to raise my children the way I know Heavenly Father wants me to because in the end that’s all that really matters.

Grammy Dream, Grammy Everywhere

I had a dream about Grammy last night. I was busy in the dream, going lots of places. Everywhere I went, Grammy was there. In the dream I knew she had died, but it didn’t seem odd to see her every place I went. It was more like, “Oh, there’s Grammy again.” I liked seeing her, but I didn’t feel sad in my dream… I guess because it was obvious that she hadn’t really gone anywhere at all. There was no reason to be sad.

When I woke up, I jotted down this note: “Grammy dream, Grammy everywhere” to help me remember my dream and write more about it later.

I think of Grammy often… The color blue (her favorite) always reminds me of her. I remember her every time I take a sliver out of a child’s hand or listen to Brenna sing a Shirley Temple song or pass by one of the kids’ dressers and see a treasure box from Grammy on it.  Some of her blankets still have her special smell on them.

The kids talk about Grammy a lot. They share memories and ask questions and they make out-of-the-blue observations about Grammy liking or doing certain things. I can tell they need to remember her and I’m glad they do. I need them to remember and I need to remember too.

I think Grammy is with us more than we realize. But I do miss her.

Joyful

Brenna was at gymnastics practice. Joshua was at wrestling practice with Rick. Drew was in bed.

I only had four small children, ages 6, 4, 2, and 1, gathered around me as I did the dishes and made dinner. It was strange. There were too few, and they seemed to short without Brenna and Josh there to balance things out. And it was way too quiet.

In an instant I remembered back to the days when I only had four children total, the days when Brenna and Joshua and Maddie were all very small and when almost half of my children hadn’t been born yet. It was a different time of life for me, much easier and much more simple. Sure, I was busy with 4 kids under 4, but it was nothing like the whirl wind that is my life now.

I was blissfully happy back then, but life seems to get even better with each passing year. I find so much joy in my life right now.

I was folding laundry this afternoon and thinking about how much I love folding laundry. It’s not that I actually love laundry or find fulfillment in the chore itself. It’s the act of doing something for my family that brings me joy. I find that same joy in cleaning up the boys’ room, making dinner, washing the dishes. I find the same joy, but it is greatly magnified, as I homeschool my children. Pregnancy is similar. I can’t say I love being pregnant, but I find incredible joy in those nine months as I work to bring another baby into our family. It’s a sacred privilege to care for my family in these ways, and even though the chores often seem endless, I love that they are mine to do.

As I looked at those four little children today, I was so thankful. I was so thankful for each of them. I was thankful for my older two and for my newborn as well. (Drew still counts as a newborn… right?) I was thankful for the children that will join our family in the coming years.

It’s strange… in ten years from now my current seven will all be teenagers or pretty close to it (Drew will turn 11 in 2021). I’ll have a different group of preschoolers surrounding me then. When that day comes, when I have a houseful of teenagers and elementary schoolers and preschoolers and babies, I’m sure I’ll look back on 2011 and remember how simple life used to be (ha!). I’m sure I’ll be amazed at how quickly years pass and I hope I will still be joyful in the sacred work I do.

Perhaps it’s silly of me to predict the future, to anticipate more babies coming and little ones growing up well and life going smoothly. There’s really no way to know what will happen in the next ten years. But I do know that I will set goals and work towards them, and that I will always strive to be joyful and thankful each day.

Lost in a Book

Joshua is a boy who loves to read. He gets lost in good books, just like his Mama does. I cut him a lot of slack when he’s got his nose in a book and just can’t seem to put it down. I let him read in between homeschool subjects, I let him read long past his usual bedtime, and I even help him with chores so that he’ll have more time to read.

Joshua read and loved the Narnia series recently. Yesterday he devoured Island of the Blue Dolphins in just one day. I’ve been wanting to start him on the Harry Potter series so last night I finally bought the first book for him. He gave me a giant bear hug when I handed it to him; I loved the delight on his face and the strength of his little arms wrapped around my waist. He hasn’t looked up from his book since I gave it to him. (Edited to Add: Joshua finished the first Harry Potter book a little while after this post was published, just over 24 hours after I gave it to him. He’s currently begging for the second book.)

I remember when my parents used to surprise me with books. I’d come home after school to find a new book resting on my pillow or perched on my dresser. It was so exciting for me! I’d dive right in, and finish my new book within a day or two. I loved getting those special new books, and now it’s fun to be the parent instead, giving a new book to my very eager child.

I remember the days when I could read all day long. I remember how Mom and Dad used to let me stay up late so I could read “just one more chapter.” They even let me skip out on some chores, just as Joshua does now. I loved to read and my parents really encouraged that love. I remember losing myself in books, eagerly turning page after page, reading until my back was stiff and my eyes were blurry and I’d finished the entire book.

Sometimes I miss having the time to read endlessly like I used to. I just have too much to do now; reading all day long is a luxury I no longer have. 

I guess that’s why I let Joshua read even when he’s supposed to be loading the dishwasher or getting ready for bed- because I know that someday he won’t be able to read without stopping. Someday he’ll have a job and a family and adult responsibilities. He won’t be able to curl up in the sunlight and get lost in a book. He won’t be able to read until his eyes are blurry and his back is stiff, until that very last page has been finished. 

I still love to read. I read for homeschool, I enjoy the Reader’s Digest every month, and I occasionally neglect everything in order to read a book cover to cover. Reading is not something I’ve given up during my years of motherhood, but it’s certainly not like it used to be.

That’s okay though because I am happy with my life and the stage that I am in. Books can wait. Right now I am raising my babies. In years from now when my babies are grown, life will come full circle and I’ll get lost in books again. 

And until then, I’ll put Joshua’s laundry away for him so that he can stay lost at Hogwarts for a little while longer.

Changes

We’re recovering from a 24-hour flu bug here, and have spent the day lying around. The little guys are all still in pajamas, but they’ve each been changed 2-4 times today because of nasty diaper blow outs. Asher is safety pinned inside his jammies. (We had a disaster yesterday afternoon, that involved Asher stripping out of his clothes and diaper and pooping on the floor and Jacob finding it. Ew, gross.)

Brenna has been a great help. She loves to be in charge and she never ceases to amaze me. She’s been cooking, cleaning, helping with babies. Upon learning that we wouldn’t be going to wrestling practice because I wasn’t feel well, Joshua responded, “Mom, I love you. If you feel sick, I’ll do anything to help you.” This from a boy who would rather go without food than go without wrestling. He hates to miss practice. I have great kids! 

I’ve spent part of today looking at old pictures, old meaning from about three years ago. I am amazed to see how much my children have grown in just three short years! It’s incredible and a little sad, to look back on those pudgy faces and baby-tooth smiles. Brenna and Joshua seem so big now. Even Maddie and Braden are looking so much older than they used to!

Our family as a whole has changed a lot in the last three years as well. We’ve gone from having four children to having seven. Nearly half of our kids weren’t here three years ago! Thinking that suddenly makes me intensely thankful for the three sweet sons that have joined us in the past two and a half years.

I think I have changed most of all. It’s amazing how motherhood has transformed me. It’s been a gradual process. Certain parts have been painful too. I have changed with each passing year and with each new baby born, and I feel so different than I did nine years ago, or five years ago, or three years ago. I know I have lots of growing still to do and changes still to make; I’ll be learning and trying my entire life.

My children will continue to grow (gasp, someday I’ll have teenagers!) and our family will get bigger and bigger and through it all I will continue to grow and change as well. I am thankful for all of that!

Lately I’ve been far too concerned with what others think of me. I’ve been feeling misunderstood in many ways. But really all I need to be concerned with is my standing before Heavenly Father. Am I doing what He wants me to do? Am I following the promptings of the spirit? Am I living my life in accordance with His will? Am I doing my best? I can honestly say yes to all of those questions, so it shouldn’t really matter what anyone else thinks of me or of my choices.

I am thankful for Heavenly Father, for my wonderful husband, and for our seven beautiful children. I am happy and blessed and life is beautiful.

My babies, May 2008…

I Cry in the Car

I feel happy and blessed and thankful. My smile is not forced. In between feeding Drew, I sleep peacefully at night.

But I cry in the car. I break down every time. It’s probably not the safest thing, to be all teary-eyed while driving, but I just can’t help it. I think driving is just the only time I actually sit down and let my mind wander. And it always wanders to things I’d rather not think about.

I think about Jacob, and about how close we came to losing him and about what life would be like if he weren’t here with us, and I cry. I think of mommies who have lost their babies, and I cry even harder.

I honestly try to slap my mind away from those thoughts, but thoughts can come instantaneously and it takes only a second for tears to follow. My emotions just still feel so raw. Even though they only surface during quiet moments, they still hurt.

How can my heart break so much when my baby is still here with me? I can still get lost in those big, gorgeous brown eyes. I can still hold him and snuggle him, and feel his sturdy little hand tightly clutching my shirt. I can still tickle him and hear that delightful giggle.

Jacob is here. He’s alive. I don’t have any reason to cry. But I do anyway.

I feel foolish, like I need to just “get over” this experience. I feel guilty because at the core of all this, it really was my fault that he got that bead in the first place. I feel so selfish for shedding tears even though our baby is still alive, because I know there are other mommies who have lost their little ones. There are so many emotions there. I know that crying in the car is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am not sure how to deal with these feelings. Maybe I need to stop driving for a while.

But in all seriousness, I know that I need to turn to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. The power of the Atonement is amazing. I believe that we can use the Atonement not only to repent of our sins, but also to heal from our wounds. I know that peace will come.

I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father. I know that Jacob’s life was spared. I know that we were given a miracle. I also know that, even if our miracle had ended differently, it would not have meant that Heavenly Father had stopped loving us or had left us alone.

Heavenly Father loves us! He loves us so much, so perfectly, so deeply, and so much more than we can ever comprehend. No matter what happens here in mortality, Heavenly Father loves us. No matter what, we are loved.

I think that is where I will find my peace.

Growing…

It’s been a crazy month for us. In the past five weeks or so, we’ve had 6 doctor visits, 4 ER visits, 1 surgery, and a week and a half spent in the hospital (divided between 2 different boys and 3 different hospital stays).  We came very close to losing our precious Jacob as well, something I can’t say I’ll ever fully recover from. It’s truly a miracle that he is alive. 

We certainly need a break from all this. I hope life gets boring for a while!

But I’ve been thinking a lot about our trials lately. I have caught myself wondering why we’ve gotten slammed with so much, both now and in the past. We really have dealt with a lot, both medically and financially in the years that we’ve been married.  Especially when it comes to medical things, we have a long list of stuff we’ve been through. I sometimes wonder why.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because we NEED these experiences. Truly. I can look back at our challenges and trials and I can see how they have all brought me closer to my Heavenly Father, strengthened my faith, and taught me things I could learn in no other way.

Life is not without challenges, but hard times do not ever mean that the Lord has forsaken us. In fact, the opposite is most certainly true- Heavenly Father BLESSES us with challenges because He knows where and how we need to grow. I am truly thankful for that!