As a Mother

I found this quote on another blog and I really like it. Motherhood is the most enormous calling, but we are never alone in it.

“As a mother, my job is to take care of what is possible and trust Got with what is impossible.”

-Ruth Bell Graham

Time with Josh

Poor Josh. He’s been so sick for several days now and last night he hit an emotional wall. Our sweet little boy was so, so sad. I could tell that being so sick was taking its toll.

I put all three of the younger boys to bed, Rick took the girls grocery shopping, and Joshua stayed home with me. I told him he could do anything he wanted. He asked to play computer games and I agreed. But within minutes, Joshy shuffled into my bedroom. He looked upset. His chin quivered and his blue eyes were extra round.

“What’s wrong, sweet boy?” I gasped when I saw his face, the heartbreaking face that he always makes when he’s trying very hard not to cry. 

“I’m just kinda lonely,” Joshua whispered forlornly as tears spilled onto his pale cheeks.

I opened my arms to my sweet, sick little boy and pulled him into bed with me. My heart just broke for him, knowing how sick he’d been and how tired and drained and depressed he must feel as a result. Josh felt really cold in my arms so I held him closer and pulled the blankets around him. I asked him if there was anything that he felt like doing. Josh pointed to the game “In a Pickle” that had been left on Rick’s nightstand.

We played together and Joshua’s mood improved. I was glad that he was feeling happier and I was thankful to spend time with him. If I was spending time with Brenna or Maddie, they’d want to paint fingernails and fix hair. I was glad that I had a way- playing a game- to spend quality time with my son in a way that made him happy.

I watched Joshua as we played. His pale face looked way too thin. His sturdy hands, with the fingernails bitten down, were still a disturbing blue color. His entire body seemed thin and bony, even through his pajamas. It made me sad, driving home how sick he really had been and how sick he still was. But I was glad to see him smile.

Josh won our game. By then he was too tired to sit up anymore. He leaned against me, tucked cozily under a blanket, and we looked at toys online. Josh hasn’t had anything that he really wants for Christmas so it was good to look at some possibilities.

I could tell Joshua was getting sad again. He was feeling too tired and too sick to play games or even look at toys anymore. He didn’t want to watch a movie. There was nothing else to do and I could tell he was once again overwhelmed. It’s hard to be trapped inside a sick body. We turned on Bringing Up Polar Bear on Animal Planet. We snuggled together and fell asleep watching it.

When Rick got home, he had brought Joshua some Star Wars toys. Josh was excited about them. The two of them stayed up together and played with the new toys. Rick eventually put Josh to bed.

Today Joshua seems better. He hasn’t thrown up since last night. He’s playing computer games. His voice sounds more like himself when he talks. He’s keeping down popsicles, gatoraid, and chicken broth, all in very small amounts. He’s hoping to wrestle at his tournament tomorrow and the one on Saturday (we’ll see). He seems happier as well, and that reassures me. It’s been hard to see him so terribly sick, and it’s been hard to see him so sad as well. I’m glad he’s feeling better. I hope it continues.

Again

Joshua threw up again. Poor kid. He’s only had a little gatoraid today and still seems pretty dehydrated. More vomiting is the last thing he needs right now. I hope this doesn’t continue or we’ll be in the ER tonight.

UPDATE- Josh has been hiding under a blanket for a while now, feeling pretty bad. I gave him a popsicle and he hasn’t thrown it up so far. He’s obviously dehydrated and that worries me, especially because he is hardly taking any fluids and he’s still throwing up. I hope we can get him hydrated at home, even if its one posicle at a time. He’s sipping plain chicken broth now so hopefully that will stay down. My poor little guy needs a break.

Chip or Treat

I was munching on Doritos in my room when Braden wandered in with a bag in his hand.

“Mom, I am trick or treating for chips,” he explained. Then he held the bag up and confidently sang out, “Chip or treat!”

Improvement

Joshua is doing much better, thankfully. He is still weak and pale, but he’s finally keeping fluids down and his headache is improving. He’s starting to act a little more like himself again, even asking about his next wrestling tournament and wanting to eat jell-o. After seeing him so sick yesterday, I am very relieved that he’s feeling better.

Sick Joshy

Poor Joshua. I’ve never seen him- or anyone- throw up like that. He threw up constantly for over 24 hours. By the time I took him to his appointment with the pediatrician, he was complaining of a severe headache with eye and neck pain, he was weak and lethargic, and he was vomiting blood. He was begging to go to the doctor. We had to stop on the way to the office and spent 10 minutes on the side of the road while Josh threw up again and again.

His doctor was concerned when we arrived. Josh had lost 3 pounds, he was completely listless, he couldn’t bear to have the light on in the exam room, his extremities were blue and cold, and his capillary refill time was incredibly slow. He threw up again at the office and it was all blood. 

Joshua was admitted immediately to the pediatric floor of the hospital. They drew lots of blood for labs, and pumped him full of IV fluids and anti-nausea meds. Josh handled it all so well. He’s a brave little guy.

Joshua’s labs came back showing that he was severely dehydrated and probably had a nasty viral infection. The doctor on the ped’s floor felt pretty confident that Josh does not have meningitis, thankfully. Once Joshua was hydrated and they knew (based on the blood work) that nothing too serious was going on, he was released with a prescription for anti-nausea suppositories and strict orders to go to the emergency room if he got worse and to go to the Saturday clinic if he stayed the same.

Josh is doing a little better today. He’s very, very tired, but he has not thrown up this morning. He is sipping some gatoraid right now and we’re all hoping it stays down. I haven’t taken him to the clinic yet and I’ll probably just keep him home if he doesn’t throw the gatoraid up. We’ll just play things by ear this weekend. He’s had me so worried that my emotions feel like they are in overdrive. I don’t think I’ll feel better until he’s back to normal. I hope he’s on the mend now.

UPDATE- I spoke with the ped on the phone. She really wanted to see him at first. Then she decided that if I feel like he’s improving, I can keep him home and watch him closely. Dehydration is the biggest concern so we agreed that if the gatoraid stays down, I’ll keep him home. If he throws it up, we’re headed back to the hospital. So far, he’s had a few ounces and it has stayed down. The ped wants me to push fluids like crazy, limit solids for 2-3 days, and keep a close eye on him.

Worried

I’m worried about Josh. He is really sick right now. He’s been throwing up constantly for 15 hours. He is complaining of a severe headache that is a 5 out of 5 on the pain scale. His eyes hurt (3/5) and his neck hurts (1/5). He is NOT running a fever, thankfully.

I spoke with a nurse at the pediatrician’s office. She scheduled a doctor appointment for him and told me to take him to the ER if he gets worse. She was worried, as I was, about meningitis, but she said that it’s a good sign that he’s not running a fever and that his neck pain is the least painful of his symptoms. Hopefully his headache is just from being dehydrated.

I’m really worried. I don’t like seeing Josh this sick. It scares me because he has such a high pain tolerance and he never acts sick. He’s always been the kind of kid who plays when he has the flu and wants to go to wrestling practice even when he’s sick. Nothing slows him down. He doesn’t feel pain the way most people do either. He’s never complained about multiple ear infections (they were found by accident) or the times that he’s had strep throat. He was diagnosed both times with strep because Brenna had it and after we grilled Josh extensively, he admitted that his throat hurt a “teensy, weensy, little, tiny bit”). He got kicked right in the nose and even while he was gushing blood, he shrugged and said his nose felt fine.

So it’s scary to see him like this.

Letting Go of the Guilt

Last night was another sleepless night for me. Jacob woke up every 2-3 hours to nurse and Asher was up four times for no apparent reason. And poor Joshua threw up once or twice an hour all night long.

When Rick came home from work in the morning, he let me sleep for two more hours. I was surprised when I woke up very refreshed. And I was disappointed when, just two hours later, I found myself tired again.

I am tired. I haven’t slept for about a month. I expect my newborn to keep me up at night. That’s normal and that I can deal with. But for some reason, I never count on Asher keeping me up as well. Even though that boy has never been a good sleeper and has kept me up nights for over a year, I somehow go to bed each night thinking that he’ll sleep. I am always surprised when he doesn’t, and I really shouldn’t be so shocked anymore. Between these two adorable little boys, and occasionally one or two of their adorable older siblings, I’m just not sleeping.

In addition, I’ve never been so busy during the day time. I am homeschooling four kids right now (2nd grade, 1st grade, Kindergarten, and Preschool). With a family of eight, we have more laundry and more dishes  and more clutter than ever before, and it feels like I am constantly cleaning. One day “off” is all it takes to throw our home into cluttered chaos. The kids are busier than ever as well. We attend 16.5 hours of activities a week- currently gymnastics, choir, wrestling, and Maddie is starting gymnastics next week. That does NOT include piano lessons or gymnastics meets or wrestling tournaments, and I don’t even want to total the number of hours we put into those events each week.

I don’t begrudge any of this. In fact, it makes me happy. I love my busy life. I love homeschooling my children. I love running them around the activities that make them so happy. I may not always love the constant cleaning and chores, but I do always love taking care of my family that way. I even enjoy my sleepless nights because the boys that keep me up are so, so sweet. All of this is the life I used to dream of and I am still amazed that now it’s reality.

But I’m still tired. I can be absolutely, completely, totally in love with my life and still be tired at the same time, right?

I must admit that I’ve taken advantage of Thanksgiving break. With no school and no activities, you’d think it would have been very easy for me to keep up on household chores. But instead, I’ve rested and relaxed and played with my kids all day. I haven’t done any laundry or cleaning or dishes for the past two days.

I feel guilty about it. I shouldn’t feel guilty about taking a few days off, but I do. I need to change my perspective. I need to remind myself that laundry and dishes and cleaning can always wait another day. I need to recognize that a mini vacation is good for a person every once in a while. I need to realize that the most important things are still happening- the kids are happy, clean, and fed, we’re having prayers and scripture study, and we’re enjoying our time together. 

Joshua is still sick. He looks terrible. It worries me because it takes so much to keep Josh down. He’s a kid who never acts sick, even when he really is. I’m still not sure what’s going on with him. It could be gluten cross-contamination. It could be a flu bug. I’d feel horrible if it was gluten because that could have been so easily prevented. But I also would hate it if he had the flu because it’s sure to be passed to the other kids as well. I made him a comfy bed on the family room couch. He’s resting and watching TV. I am keeping a close eye on him.

I’d planned to clean like a mad woman today, but I think I’ll put my feet up instead. Looks like more snuggling, coloring, fingernail painting, hair fixing, reading, and movie watching is on the agenda today. If I clean a little, then great. And if I clean nothing at all… well, there’s always tomorrow for that.

Itty Bitty Cutie Pie

I can’t believe that this little guy is already four weeks old!! It’s crazy that one month can feel like both an instant and a lifetime all at once! And how fitting that Jacob’s 4-week birthday and his first Thanksgiving fall on the same day– this precious child has given us so much to be thankful for!

Jacob continues to be the sweetest, easiest newborn. He is so much fun and he’s so completely adored by all of us! He seems very, very close to smiling and I am eagerly awaiting that first social smile! Jacob is still tiny and skinny (still wearing preemie clothes). I am sure that he’ll lose his skrawny newborn look soon though. It won’t be long before he’s an adorable roly-poly two-month-old!

Jacob has had his first cold this week. He’s been stuffy and congested, but thankfully his lungs have been clear and he’s been eating well. Jacob and I haven’t been getting much sleep because his tiny nose is so stuffy, but last night was easier and he seems to be through the worst of it today. He also has a yeast infection, but with nystatin cream it is clearing up quickly.

I am so thankful for my sweet, precious 4-week-old son. It seems extra special to have a tiny newborn on Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for!

And, seriously, isn’t Jacob so just completely adorable?!

Regrets

Rick is working today so we celebrated Thanksgiving a few days early on Tuesday. We had a great time together as a family.

I had planned to visit Rick’s family today. I was going to leave Rick home since he had to work anyway and drive to his parents’ house with our 6 kids and the dog.

But then Jacob came down with a cold. It was mild, but it still concerned me. I’ve learned from experience that newborns can go from mildly sick to needing to be hospitalized very rapidly. I worried about traveling with a sick 4-week-old. What if he got worse while we were out of town? What if he was exposed to more germs by being with so many people?

As I thought more about it, I began to find more reasons to stay home. I’ve been getting 2 to 3 hours of sleep each night for the past month. I’ve never gotten so little sleep with a newborn. But then again, I’ve never had a newborn and an Asher at the same time either! (Asher’s never been a good sleeper.) In addition to getting so little sleep, I’m quite busy during the day with 6 active kids. 

With no homeschool and no kids’ activities over the Thanksgiving holiday, I started to wonder if I should take the opportunity to stay home and rest. So for several reasons, I decided to stay home today.

The kids and I have spent the day in pajamas. We’ve spent our time snuggling, painting fingernails, playing games, and dressing Jacob in doll clothes just for fun. We watched Home Alone together, munched on popcorn, and wrote out Christmas lists. I haven’t folded any laundry, cleaned up any toys, or washed a single dish. I know that I’ll have to catch up on everything tomorrow, but for now I’d rather just spend Thanksgiving with my sweet children. It’s been a nice, relaxing day.

But I still find myself feeling a little sad and regretting my decision to stay home. I wish we were with family today. I wish the kids were running around with their cousins. I wish I was in the kitchen with all the girls in the family as we worked together to prepare a big Thanksgiving dinner. I really wish we would have gone up.

Jacob’s actually feeling better today- his nose is more clear and his breathing (which has really worried me) is much better now. And, even though I stayed home to rest, who really needs rest anyway? I should have just gone. I should have just gone.